Explaining Surrogacy to Your Little Ones

When a woman decides to become a Surrogate, she is deciding to give a truly awe-inspiring and life-changing gift to another family – but seeing how it’s a requirement to have given birth prior to becoming a Surrogate, anyone doing so often already has young children in their home. For a first time Surrogate, it can be understandably daunting to figure out how to explain the surrogacy journey to their children.  

Even for adults, surrogacy can be a very complicated or even loaded topic, and there’s no single right way to go about this conversation. However, we’ve created a guide to help guide you through the process below. 

First and foremost, we recommend not trying to hide the details of your surrogacy journey from your family, as it will inevitably impact all of you at some point. A surrogacy is much like any other pregnancy in terms of the time it demands and the emotional impact it will have on the children in your home. This, like any other major change, can cause a range of unpredictable emotions in your children, be it excitement to help another family or jealousy over Mom’s new responsibilities, or even a desire to have a new sibling for themselves. Children are more observant and attuned to shifts in the normal routine than adults often think, and it is for this reason that we recommend a general level of transparency in the beginning of the journey, followed by a more solid explanation once a pregnancy is confirmed. How transparent you ought to be with your specific child depends on their age, maturity and temperament. Nobody knows that better than you!

Tools for introducing your children to surrogacy: 

• Children’s books on surrogacy: When you decide to become a Surrogate, reading children’s books on the subject (and other alternative family planning methods) can be a great way to normalize the concept slowly and gently for the little ones. Encourage them to have a conversation with you about it, and encourage them to be open about their thoughts and feelings on the matter. How would they feel if Mom were to become a Surrogate? The only way to know is to ask. 
• Show and tell: Once you match with a pair of Intended Parents, tell your children as much as you can about them. Show them pictures! Then explain that you are going to help them to try to have a baby. Likewise, you can ask your children to help you take photos, write letters and draw pictures to send back to the Intended Parents to have for the baby’s scrapbook. This will help your children to feel as though they are truly a part of this journey, instead of helpless bystanders. 
• Encourage gifts: Offer to let your children each pick out a special toy for the baby. This will help them feel more involved in the process.
• Mix and mingle: If at all possible, sharing a meal with the Intended Parents as a family can go a long way towards demystifying the process for your children. This does, of course, rely on the willingness of the Intended Parents to participate – but it never hurts to ask. Odds are good that the Intended Parents will be happy to accommodate you. 
• Give them a script: Your children will no doubt talk to their friends or teachers about your surrogacy journey at some point, and it would be very helpful to provide them with some talking points to help them feel confident in doing so. Help them to develop responses that they can use if they receive questions and/or comments from their peers – or even strangers. 

Only you know what works best for your family and your situation, but implementing a combination of the above strategies can go a long way towards helping your children feel like a valued and knowledgeable part of the surrogacy process, as well as leaving them with a generally positive feeling towards surrogacy and all that is to come.

Tips for how to talk about surrogacy with children:

• Remember how old they are! Honesty is important, of course, but a lot of the language surrounding surrogacy can feel very scientific and overwhelming – even for adults. So be sure to keep the language simple and remember that it’s okay to gloss over the finer details if it’s best for your child. 
• Be positive! Children often mirror their parents in attitude, so the more upbeat and positive you keep your conversations about surrogacy, the more likely they are to have good feelings about your surrogacy experience. 
• Encourage questions! Curiosity is a good thing, and it’s important that your child feels safe and comfortable asking any and all questions they may have – even if you occasionally can’t answer all of them in real time.

As with all things, communication is key. As long as you continue to maintain an open dialogue and share new information with your children, you will be setting your family up for a positive experience. Remember that the more you share (within reason, of course – children are still children, after all), the more normalized surrogacy will become in your household. Apart from fostering a positive environment for your own surrogacy, it can also have the added bonus of making your children more open-minded to families of backgrounds different than their own. 

If you need any ideas tailored to your family’s specific needs and story, be sure to contact your Simple Surrogacy team today. Your team of specialists and experts are ready to help you come up with the solutions that are right for you and your children. If you are interested in learning more about surrogacy or egg donation, call (866) 473-0513 or contact us online today.