How To Talk To Your Partner About Surrogacy

Surrogacy is one of the best ways to make an impact on the world, as it directly and permanently positively affects a family’s life. If you’re thinking about becoming a surrogate, you’re probably thinking about how your life will change as you take on this additional responsibility. Changes to your lifestyle, energy levels, and restrictions on your activity are exactly why you need to get your partner on board. 

Surrogacy, same as a pregnancy for your own family, will change the way your life works in the home, which makes it a decision you and your partner should make together. Many surrogacy agencies require your partner’s consent for you to begin your surrogacy journey, as an assurance that you will be able to take adequate steps to reduce your workload and focus on the baby.

If you’re struggling to help your partner understand the positives of surrogacy and feel that it’s built out of a misunderstanding, consider seeing a reproductive consultant, who can answer their questions from a point of professionalism and help you get on the same page.

How to Talk About It

Communication is key from the moment that you approach the subject with your partner. There’s a lot to consider when talking about what you want to do, so follow these easy steps to make sure they understand.

Be Clear About Your Motivations There are a thousand good reasons to become a surrogate including personal achievement and monetary compensation. Make sure that your partner understands that doing this is a genuine goal and commitment you want to make to improve someone else’s life. Talk about how it makes you feel, and why you have thought about it to the extent that you have. It’s likely that helping them understand why will also help them say yes.

Do Your Research Research is key in this situation! You know a lot about surrogacy at the point where you’re making your choice, but your partner may not. Many misunderstandings come from media portrayals of surrogacy and articles. Be prepared to show your partner articles about the process, agency websites, and stories from other surrogates about the process to help them understand. With physical proof of the benefits, a lot of those fears can fall by the wayside.

Listen to Their Questions and Concerns Your partner is going to have a thousand questions. Many even ask if the baby will be related to you, or if you have to have sex with the intended father. There are so many misunderstandings and rising concerns that come from an outside perspective. It may even bring something to your attention that you don’t know!

How Your Choice Affects Your Partner

When you’re in a partnership with someone else, you lean on them and they lean on you for a lot of things including emotional support, chores, schedule planning, childcare, and bigger responsibilities. But, throughout a pregnancy, your ability to pick up the slack may be diminished. You’ll need to rely on your partner a lot to help maintain normalcy in your home. When approaching the topic of surrogacy and what will change, make sure you establish some things early and find out how your partnership can deal with them.

Intimacy Limitations When doing IVF or IUI, most physicians will request that you refrain from sexual activity until you are pregnant. Accidental pregnancies are possible any time you engage intimately with your partner, so it’s best to avoid any risks. This may mean that you and your partner are unable to engage intimately for a month, maybe more.

In addition, many people feel odd about having intercourse while their partner is pregnant with another family’s baby. Your sex life may change during this process. Make sure your partner is knowledgeable of this, and okay with it.

Shifts in Responsibility Keeping up with the same responsibilities that you had before pregnancy is completely unreasonable. Your body needs its rest! To be a candidate for surrogacy, you must have already had a child, which means you and your partner both know what they’re going to need to pick up to keep you healthy.

It doesn’t hurt to use your previous experiences with pregnancy to work out an initial idea of how the workload for chores, scheduling, and childcare will change during surrogacy. You and your partner will know best what you’re able to take care of. Once you reach an agreement, that should help when the process begins.

Conversations About the Pregnancy This is where it gets awkward for your partner in a way that won’t affect you. When people see that you are pregnant, people are likely to congratulate your partner on the new addition. At that point, your partner will have to explain your surrogacy journey. There are a lot of misunderstandings about surrogacy, so they may then face some people who feel negatively about it and dismiss that they allowed you to do so. 

The best you can do for your partner here is to understand. Make sure you’re both well versed in the process so you can talk about it openly, and support them and their frustration when people respond negatively to something that is truly altruistic. 

Limited Activity Whether it’s a hobby, what you do to keep up with the kids, or general exercise, your activity is going to be limited the further into your pregnancy you go. This means that you may miss out on some of the activities you and your partner love to do, or just generally have less time to spend with them and the family because of doctor’s appointments

This is a major conversation to have with your partner, as it may affect your relationship’s health. Be clear about how much you want to do this and try to find a compromise, as well as some pregnancy-safe activities you can participate in together.

Their Feelings One of the toughest topics to work around is how your partner may feel about the process itself. While it is a selfless act, there’s a chance they have some discomfort around you carrying someone else’s child or being pregnant with a child you won’t take home. The best way to work past these is to communicate, and in some cases, see someone who can help you communicate better.

Things To Keep In Mind

Surrogacy is not a permanent condition. Even if your spouse is slightly uncomfortable at the beginning, they may find they enjoyed the process by the end. Take care to keep your relationship healthy and happy throughout your surrogacy by keeping your partner involved and communicating. You and your partner are not alone! Many people have gone through surrogacy with their partners and have advice.

If you’re interested in learning more about becoming a surrogate, please reach out here.