At Simple Surrogacy, the surrogate chooses first.
That means matching is not simply about intended parents deciding whether they like you.
You are deciding whether you want to carry for them.
The first conversation with potential intended parents is your opportunity to learn:
You do not need to turn the match call into an interrogation.
And you do not need to have identical personalities.
But you should feel comfortable enough to communicate openly with these people during fertility treatment, pregnancy, delivery, and potentially long afterward.
Current ASRM guidance recommends that gestational surrogates and intended parents discuss communication, pregnancy involvement, embryo transfer, prenatal testing, termination, reduction, delivery, conflict resolution, future relationships, social media, and other expectations before treatment begins. (asrm.org)
Here are the questions we think every surrogate should consider asking before saying yes to a match.
Potential surrogates sometimes enter a match call feeling as though they are applying for a job.
They worry:
Will they like me?
Will I say the right thing?
Will they choose me?
We want you to think about it differently.
The intended parents are evaluating whether they feel comfortable with you.
You should be evaluating them just as thoughtfully.
Ask yourself:
Do I trust these people?
Can I talk openly with them?
Do they listen when I speak?
Do I feel respected?
Would I be comfortable calling them with difficult news?
Do I think they understand that I remain the medical patient during pregnancy?
At Simple Surrogacy, we send compatible intended-parent profiles to surrogates first.
If you are interested, your profile is then presented to the intended parents.
If both sides are interested, we arrange a facilitated conversation.
No one should be pressured to accept a match simply because it is available.
Our Surrogate Matching Guide explains that process in detail.
Not every question needs to be serious.
In fact, it is usually easier to determine whether you naturally connect with someone by talking about normal life first.
You might ask:
If they are a couple, you might ask how they met.
If they already have children, ask about them.
If they live internationally, ask about their home and what life is like there.
These questions may sound simple.
That is the point.
You may be spending a year or more communicating with these people.
It helps to actually like talking to one another.
Every intended parent arrives at surrogacy differently.
Their story might involve:
You do not need every private detail of someone’s medical history.
But understanding their journey can help you understand why surrogacy matters to them.
It also often creates the first real emotional connection in a match conversation.
Many surrogates say that hearing the intended parents’ story makes the idea of carrying for them suddenly feel personal rather than theoretical.
This can reveal a great deal about where intended parents are emotionally.
For example:
Have they had time to process previous infertility treatment?
Are they comfortable with another person carrying their child?
Do they seem excited about building a relationship with a surrogate?
Or does it sound like they are still angry that surrogacy became necessary?
No intended parent needs to feel perfectly happy about losing the pregnancy experience they once expected.
Grief can coexist with excitement.
But you should feel that the people you match with are emotionally prepared to move forward with surrogacy, rather than wishing throughout the journey that you did not need to exist in it.
This is one of the most important questions.
Some intended parents envision:
Others prefer:
Neither approach is automatically better.
The problem occurs when the surrogate expects one type of relationship and the intended parents expect another.
If you imagine becoming close friends and they envision a more transactional relationship, find that out now.
If you prefer more independence and they want daily contact, find that out now too.
Be specific.
“Good communication” can mean very different things.
Ask:
Would you expect a text every day?
Once or twice a week?
After every appointment?
Would you like pictures between appointments?
Would we have a group chat?
Do you prefer phone calls, texting, or video calls?
Then explain what feels natural to you.
A healthy match does not require constant communication.
It requires compatible expectations.
ASRM specifically recommends that intended parents and gestational carriers discuss both the frequency and preferred format of communication before treatment begins. (asrm.org)
Ask about:
If the intended parents live nearby, they may hope to attend many appointments.
If they live across the country or internationally, most participation may be virtual.
Think about what you want too.
Some surrogates love having intended parents at appointments.
Others prefer to attend routine visits alone and include them for major milestones.
This is your pregnancy experience as well as their path to parenthood.
Find an arrangement that respects both.
This question is more useful than it may sound.
Surrogacy can include:
How do the intended parents react when things do not go according to plan?
Do they communicate calmly?
Do they need immediate answers to feel reassured?
Do they become very anxious about uncertainty?
You do not need someone who never gets stressed.
That person does not exist.
You want people who can remain respectful when they are stressed.
Every strong relationship can survive disagreement.
Ask something like:
“If we see something differently during the journey, how would you want us to handle it?”
The answer can be revealing.
Ideally, everyone is comfortable with:
Be cautious if someone seems to believe:
“There won’t be disagreements because the contract says what you have to do.”
A surrogacy contract is important.
It does not eliminate the need for communication or turn intended parents into your medical decision-makers.
Ask how many embryos they expect to transfer.
Current ASRM guidance strongly favors single embryo transfer in gestational-carrier cycles because multiple pregnancy increases risks to both the surrogate and babies.
If you are comfortable only with single embryo transfer, say that clearly.
Do not assume everyone has the same expectation.
And do not agree to a double embryo transfer simply because you are worried that declining it will make intended parents choose someone else.
This is your body.
The fertility clinic makes medical recommendations, and you must give informed consent to the transfer procedure.
Even with single embryo transfer, an embryo can occasionally split and result in identical twins.
That makes it worth talking about.
Ask how the intended parents feel about:
You should understand those possibilities too.
The point is not to make anyone afraid.
It is to make sure everyone understands that pregnancy can develop differently from the original plan.
This needs more than:
“Are you okay with testing?”
Ask what testing matters to them and why.
There may be discussions about:
Some procedures are noninvasive.
Others carry medical risks.
The intended parents understandably want information about their baby’s health.
You remain the patient undergoing the testing.
Understanding everyone’s expectations beforehand makes those conversations easier if testing is later recommended.
This is one of the hardest match questions.
It is also one of the most important.
Do not skip it because it feels uncomfortable.
Ask what circumstances would lead the intended parents to consider termination.
For example:
Avoid vague answers like:
“We agree with termination for medical reasons.”
What one person considers a sufficient medical reason may be completely different from what someone else means.
Current ASRM guidance specifically recommends that the surrogate and intended parents discuss prenatal testing, pregnancy termination, and multifetal reduction before treatment to determine whether their expectations are aligned.
This issue may arise with multiple pregnancy or certain serious fetal diagnoses.
Again, talk about it before pregnancy.
You do not have to agree with every intended parent.
You need to match with intended parents whose views are compatible enough with yours that everyone understands how they would hope to proceed.
And remember:
These conversations help determine compatibility.
They do not eliminate your medical autonomy.
ASRM states that the gestational carrier remains the sole source of consent for her own medical care.
This question brings several important issues together.
A thoughtful answer might acknowledge that:
You should not hear:
“Our contract gives us the final say.”
It does not give intended parents ownership of your medical decisions.
The old version of this article asks:
“Do you have any restrictions in mind for me?”
We would reframe that completely.
Intended parents may have preferences.
For example, they may hope that you:
Those basic expectations should already be part of program requirements and medical care.
But an intended parent should not be designing your diet or exercise program.
A better question is:
“Are there any lifestyle expectations during pregnancy that are especially important to you?”
Then talk about whether they are reasonable and compatible with your own life and your physician’s recommendations.
ASRM specifically recommends discussing expectations concerning behaviors such as diet, exercise, travel, medication, alcohol, vaccinations, and social media before treatment.
This may matter if:
Talk about:
Some restrictions may be required for legal, insurance, or medical reasons.
You should understand them before agreeing to the match.
Vaccination expectations can become a significant matching issue.
Discuss them before pregnancy rather than assuming everyone agrees.
Ask whether intended parents have strong expectations regarding:
Your medical decisions ultimately remain between you and your healthcare providers.
But if this is an issue on which you and the intended parents have fundamentally opposing views, it is better to discover that before matching.
Your pregnancy does not happen in isolation.
Your spouse or partner may help with:
Your children are also living alongside the pregnancy.
Ask whether the intended parents are comfortable with your family being part of the experience in whatever way feels natural.
That does not mean they need to become best friends with everyone in your household.
It means they understand you are a person with an existing family—not simply a surrogate during business hours.
This can reveal useful context.
Are their parents excited?
Do siblings understand the process?
Are there family members who are uncomfortable with surrogacy?
Will their family know who you are?
Will they meet you?
None of these answers automatically determines whether the match is good.
But surrogates often become connected to the intended parents’ broader family during pregnancy.
It helps to understand the environment you are entering.
Social media should absolutely be discussed.
Ask:
Privacy expectations can differ dramatically.
One surrogate may document her entire journey publicly.
Another may never mention the intended parents by name.
One intended parent may announce everything.
Another may not tell extended family until pregnancy is well established.
There is no universal correct answer.
Agree on boundaries.
This is especially important if you hope for a long-term relationship.
Ask:
“What do you plan to tell your child about how they were born?”
We generally support age-appropriate openness about surrogacy.
A child can grow up understanding:
“Another woman helped carry me because my parents couldn’t carry me themselves.”
If donor eggs or sperm were involved, that is another part of the child’s conception story.
You do not need to control how the intended parents raise their child.
But you may reasonably want to know whether the role you played will be treated as something open and positive or something hidden.
ASRM specifically recommends discussing disclosure of the gestational carrier’s role to resulting children and expectations about future relationships.
Do not wait until delivery to ask this.
Would they like:
Think honestly about what you want too.
Do not promise lifelong closeness simply because it sounds nice on the match call.
Relationships change naturally.
The goal is to begin with compatible expectations while leaving room for the relationship to evolve.
Some intended parents assume the surrogate will want to.
Others are nervous about it.
Some surrogates want to hold the baby.
Others do not.
Talk about it.
Holding the baby you carried does not mean you believe the baby belongs to you.
And not wanting to hold the baby does not mean you are cold or detached.
The delivery plan should make room for real human emotions rather than forcing everyone into a script.
Ask about:
Then discuss your own wishes.
Remember that a birth plan is a plan.
Your wishes, medical needs, hospital rules, and actual circumstances determine what can happen on delivery day.
Our Surrogate Delivery Guide explains this in much greater detail.
This is much better than asking:
“Do you require me to pump?”
Pumping should not be treated as an automatic extension of pregnancy.
Ask whether breast milk is something they hope for.
Then decide whether pumping is something you are interested in doing.
If you are, discuss:
You are allowed to say no.
Our To Pump or Not to Pump article explores this choice further.
This may never happen.
But asking about difficult possibilities can tell you how intended parents think under stress.
How would they approach:
You are not testing them.
You are beginning to understand the people whose family you may help build.
You do not need to apologize for being compensated.
A surrogate can sincerely want to help someone and also value what the compensation can do for her own family.
You generally do not need to negotiate every financial detail on an introductory call because compensation structures and benefits are established through the agency and legal process.
But pay attention to how intended parents talk about compensation.
Do they respect that pregnancy requires:
Or do they talk as though compensation gives them ownership over your behavior?
That difference matters.
You do not need access to intended parents’ bank statements.
Simple Surrogacy handles the appropriate intended-parent screening and financial processes.
But you should feel confident that the journey is structured so you are not personally financing pregnancy expenses.
At Simple Surrogacy, surrogate funds are handled through independent escrow, rather than sitting in agency operating accounts.
Financial security should be established through the program—not through personal promises between you and the intended parents.
This may not be the most exciting match-call question, but it reveals something about expectations.
You should not be personally asking intended parents to Venmo you for a pregnancy expense every time something comes up.
The contract and independent escrow process should provide a clear method for authorized compensation and reimbursements.
That protects both sides.
This open-ended question can be incredibly revealing.
Listen carefully.
A thoughtful intended parent may say things like:
“We want you to communicate with us.”
“We want you to follow your doctor’s recommendations.”
“We want you to tell us if something is wrong.”
“We want you to feel supported.”
Be cautious if the answer sounds more like:
“We expect you to do everything we say because this is our baby.”
The intended parents are the future child’s parents.
You remain the person who is pregnant.
An ethical journey requires respect for both roles.
Nobody likes asking this.
Ask it anyway.
Imagine:
What do they hope communication would look like?
What support would everyone need?
It is impossible to predict every emotion.
But intended parents who can talk thoughtfully about difficult possibilities are often better prepared for the uncertainty of pregnancy.
Give intended parents room to be honest.
They may be afraid:
Their fears are not automatically red flags.
Sometimes sharing fears creates trust.
You can share yours too.
A match should be a conversation.
Give them space to ask you questions.
They may want to know:
That exchange helps everyone move beyond the profiles.
Being open does not mean surrendering every boundary.
If a question feels:
you can say so.
Your coordinator can also help.
Likewise, intended parents are entitled to reasonable personal privacy.
The goal of the match call is not for everyone to disclose every intimate detail of their lives.
The goal is to determine whether the relationship feels safe, respectful, and compatible.
Sometimes the wording matters as much as the topic.
Compare:
“Would you be comfortable keeping us updated after appointments?”
with:
“You’ll send us all your medical results immediately, right?”
Or:
“Do you normally exercise during pregnancy?”
with:
“We expect you to work out five days a week so you don’t gain too much weight.”
Or:
“How do you feel about vaccination during pregnancy?”
with:
“We will decide which vaccines you get.”
A match call can reveal whether intended parents understand the difference between being deeply invested in their child’s pregnancy and controlling the person carrying it.
Good signs can include intended parents who:
You may also simply feel comfortable.
That matters.
Not every good match can be reduced to a checklist.
Pause if intended parents:
One uncomfortable comment may simply need clarification.
A pattern of disrespect is different.
Trust what the conversation is telling you.
It depends on the issue.
Maybe they prefer weekly communication and you prefer twice-weekly updates.
That can probably be worked out.
But some disagreements are fundamental.
For example:
You know you would not agree to pregnancy termination for a particular diagnosis.
They know they would strongly want termination in that situation.
That is not an issue to solve by hoping it never happens.
It may mean you are simply not the right match.
ASRM’s current guidance specifically recognizes inability to align on embryo number, selective reduction, pregnancy termination, medical decision-making, and other important expectations as reasons a gestational-carrier arrangement may not be appropriate.
A thoughtful no before pregnancy is much better than an impossible conflict during pregnancy.
You can decline.
Even if:
Sometimes the match simply does not feel right.
You do not need to manufacture a reason.
Likewise, intended parents can decide the fit is not right for them.
Declining a match does not mean anyone did something wrong.
The whole purpose of matching is to find the relationship that does feel right.
This is important.
Surrogacy is a major commitment.
Do not say yes because:
“They seem fine.”
“I don’t want to hurt their feelings.”
“I already waited this long.”
“What if no one else chooses me?”
At Simple Surrogacy, there are generally more intended parents seeking surrogates than available qualified surrogates.
You are allowed to be selective about whose journey you join.
We would rather spend more time finding the right relationship than spend an entire pregnancy trying to repair a match that never should have happened.
If everyone wants to move forward, the journey proceeds to the next stages.
Those generally include:
The match call is important.
But it is not the final safeguard.
There are still medical, psychological, financial, and legal steps before embryo transfer.
At Simple Surrogacy, yes—the surrogate reviews compatible intended-parent profiles first. If she expresses interest, her profile is then presented to the intended parents. Both sides must agree before a match is confirmed.
Absolutely.
You can provide feedback if you are comfortable, but you should not feel pressured to enter a match simply because there is no obvious problem.
Yes. Matching is mutual.
Yes, if you are comfortable. Understanding their journey can help you connect, although intended parents are entitled to reasonable medical privacy.
Those issues absolutely need to be resolved before matching and treatment. Some information may already be in the profiles or matching criteria, but the conversation provides an opportunity to make sure everyone actually understands one another.
They may discuss reasonable pregnancy expectations, but your diet and medical care should ultimately follow appropriate healthcare guidance rather than an intended parent’s personal rules.
Medical restrictions come from your healthcare providers. Lifestyle expectations can be discussed for compatibility but should not turn into intended-parent control over your body.
Vaccination expectations should be discussed before matching. The surrogate remains the medical patient and retains authority over her healthcare decisions.
Yes. Privacy conflicts are much easier to avoid when everyone discusses them beforehand.
Yes. Pumping should be discussed before delivery but remains a separate voluntary decision.
Definitely. Long-term relationship expectations can be one of the most important compatibility issues.
That is not necessarily wrong, but you should decide whether that arrangement is emotionally comfortable for you.
That may sound wonderful, but relationships evolve. Make sure the expectation feels natural rather than obligatory.
Yes. Current ASRM guidance recommends a joint session between prospective gestational carriers and intended parents to discuss communication, pregnancy participation, transfer expectations, prenatal testing, termination, reduction, conflict resolution, future relationships, and other major issues.
Talk to your Simple Surrogacy coordinator. Part of our role is helping both sides have conversations that may initially feel awkward.
It is easy to imagine a surrogacy relationship when everything is going well.
The embryo transfers.
The pregnancy test is positive.
Every ultrasound is reassuring.
Everyone agrees.
The baby arrives at term.
But when choosing intended parents, ask yourself a harder question:
Could I communicate with these people if something went wrong?
Could you call them after unexpected bleeding?
Could you tell them the doctor changed the delivery plan?
Could you say:
“I’m uncomfortable with that.”
Could they tell you:
“We’re scared.”
Could everyone have a difficult conversation without becoming disrespectful?
That is what compatibility really means.
You do not need intended parents who are exactly like you.
You do not need the same hobbies.
You do not need the same politics.
You do not need identical personalities.
You need enough alignment on the important issues—and enough mutual respect to navigate the things no profile can predict.
At Simple Surrogacy, we have been matching surrogates and intended parents since 2002, and many of our coordinators have personally been surrogates themselves.
That experience has taught us that the best match is not necessarily the one that happens fastest.
It is the one where everyone enters the journey understanding:
who the other people are,
what matters to them,
how they want to communicate,
what they expect from the pregnancy,
and
how they will treat one another when the journey becomes difficult.
So ask questions.
And pay attention to the questions intended parents ask you.
You are not simply choosing whose baby you are willing to carry.
You are choosing the people you will share one of the most significant experiences of your life with.
Take that decision seriously.
If you are considering becoming a surrogate, review our current Surrogate Requirements, learn How to Become a Surrogate, or apply to become a surrogate.
If you are already approved and preparing to match, read our How Surrogate Matching Works guide before your first intended-parent conversation.
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