How to Tell Your Children You’re Going to be a Surrogate

Deciding to become a surrogate is one of the most important decisions you’ll make in your life. You’re taking a journey that’s amazing and selfless. You’ll be touching the hearts and lives of new parents, bringing them the joy of a baby and the gift of being a parent just like you are to your own children.
Now that you’ve made your decision to be a surrogate, it’s time to share the news. How do you explain surrogacy to your children so they’ll accept and understand your decision? This article looks at some of the ways to talk to your children about your surrogacy and how it affects them.

Explaining to younger children

Be open and honest with your children. No matter what age they are, they need to know what’s happening. Explain your surrogacy and pregnancy in ways they can understand without being overwhelmed with information that’s too complicated.
Break it down simply for younger children. There’s a lot they’re not going to be able to understand. And a lot they’re just not going to be interested in. The concept of pregnancy isn’t something a 4-year old is going to be able to comprehend. An easy way to explain your pregnancy is that some moms aren’t able to carry a baby inside their tummy, so you’re going to do it for them. Get down on their level and use words that make sense to your children.

Expect older children to have more questions

In some ways, older children will be more impacted by your surrogacy than younger children. They’ll be more aware of the changes in you – your own emotions as you go through the IVF process, your morning sickness, and days at the end of your pregnancy when you might need a bit of help.
If possible, consider including older children in the surrogacy discussions before you’re pregnant. Be prepared for them to ask a lot of questions – and maybe have some objections to your surrogacy. Let them feel their emotions, just continue to be honest with them about your reasons for being a surrogate. By keeping older children involved they’ll soon come to their own acceptance and understanding of your pregnancy.

Show your enthusiasm for sharing joy

Tell your children that they’ve brought such joy and happiness to your life and that you’re a surrogate for other parents, so they can experience this same happiness. This is a wonderful opportunity to teach your children the importance of kindness and generosity towards others.

Talk about the intended parents

Some of the most important conversations you can have with your children are about the intended parents. No matter where they live or what your arrangements are, let your children know as much as you can about them. Tell them that the intended parents aren’t able to have a baby on their own and that you’re helping them. If possible, let them meet in person. When your children know who the baby’s parents are, it can make it easier for them to understand what’s happening. And with understanding comes acceptance of their mom carrying a baby for someone else.

Read books about surrogacy

There are some good books available for children about surrogacy. Using books is a great way to introduce younger children to the idea of their mom being a surrogate. Even older children can benefit from reading books intended for younger ages.
If you have older children who are curious about the surrogacy process, help them find the information they need to answer their questions. Ask your surrogacy agency if they have information you can share with your children. You can also look for information at the library or online. Anytime your children have questions, do what you can to find the answers. This is good way to build trust with your older children and let them feel as though they’re a part of your surrogacy journey.

The birds and the bees

Children of all ages are curious about where babies come from. For younger children you can use a story of doctors taking a seed from a mommy and a seed from a daddy and putting both seeds into your tummy for the seeds to grow into a baby.
This story likely won’t work with older kids, who will have more specific questions. They may be able to understand some of the more complex IVF details of your surrogate pregnancy. You know your own children. Don’t give them too much scientific information if you think they’ll just be more confused. A better plan is to let them be in control and ask all the questions they have about your surrogacy process when they come up.

Talk a lot…and often

Talk a lot about your surrogacy and pregnancy. Encourage your children to ask questions through every stage of your pregnancy. You can expect repeat questions that you’ve answered before as children process the information in their own way. Just be patient and continue to answer their questions with assurance and confidence.

Provide constant reassurance

It’s okay to share your excitement about carrying someone else’s baby with your children. However, children may see your enthusiasm as an indication that you love the baby you’re carrying more than you love them. Reassure them that you love them and that your excitement and happiness are only about being able to give another family a wonderful gift.

Lead by example

Your children will pick up on your own emotions and feelings about being a surrogate. If they sense your excitement, chances are they’ll be just as excited. And when they see how calm and confident you are, they’ll mirror this behavior back to you. Be positive and reassuring throughout the pregnancy and your children won’t feel insecure or threatened about your surrogacy.

Be clear about what happens after you give birth

Talk to your children about what’s going to happen at the end of nine months. You need to be absolutely clear that the baby you’re carrying is not going to be coming home from the hospital to live with your family. Continue having this conversation throughout the pregnancy. Children need to know that the baby isn’t going to be their new brother or sister and will have their own family very soon.

Delivering baby with love

Consider having an arrangement with the intended parents for your own children to meet the baby after birth. This is an ideal way for your entire pregnancy to come full circle. Everything you and your family have experienced in the last nine months has been for this purpose – to help other parents have their own precious baby.
Being a surrogate has an impact on your entire family. The best thing you can do is be prepared to communicate honestly and openly with your children at all times about the surrogacy process, making it less intimidating for everyone. Simple Surrogacy is here for you every step of the way!