How Gay Dads Decide Whose Sperm to Use

Making the decision to have a family is a big step for any prospective parents. Then there’s the discussion about how you’re going to become parents – biologically, through adoption, or through surrogacy. For two gay dads, the path to parenthood isn’t always an easy process, but surrogacy definitely makes it possible.
Gay dads who choose surrogacy can decide between traditional surrogacy and gestational surrogacy. Through either of these processes, gay dads will have to select a woman to be their surrogate. For gestational surrogacy, there is the additional step of selecting an egg donor. Then, embryos can be created and transferred to the surrogate.
In either type of surrogacy to create the embryos, you need sperm. Both types of surrogacy offer a chance for one dad to be biologically related to the child by providing sperm to fertilize the egg. For gay dads, deciding whose sperm to use in the fertilization process can sometimes be a difficult and emotional decision. This is a discussion that gay dads should have prior to beginning the surrogacy process with the understanding that nature (and biology) can put some decisions out of your control.

The Options

In the beginning of the surrogacy process, many gay dads ask each other if one or both partners feel strongly about being biologically related to any or all children. For some couples, only one dad wants to be biologically related and the choice of whose sperm to use becomes clear.
However, the decision can be more complicated if both fathers would like to be related to a child.
In the end, the decision may end up being one of biology. Both dads may decide to undergo fertility testing. Additionally, there are FDA regulations for screening sperm donors and testing for STDs. In the process, it may turn out that only one father has sperm that are ideal for creating embryos.
Some dads want to be “surprised” as to who is biologically related to the child. In these cases, if allowed by the doctors, gay dads choose to have their sperm mixed before the embryos are created.
Another option is to divide the donor eggs into two groups and have each dad provide sperm for fertilization of a group. Then, depending on the number of embryos produced, decisions can be made about which father’s embryos to use. If the surrogate and intended parents are open to multiples, embryos genetically related to both fathers can potentially be transferred at the same time. If parents and surrogates are going for single pregnancies but perhaps hoping for multiple children, different embryos could be used at each transfer. In other words, one dad’s embryos would be used for the first pregnancy, and then later the other dad’s embryos would be used for a second pregnancy.
A final option is to use donor sperm. In this case, neither father would be biologically related to the child, but it can provide a solution if dads cannot reach an agreement on whose sperm to use or if neither is able to provide sperm suitable for embryo creation.

Other Considerations

One thing to keep in mind is that some states require paternity testing so the genetic father can be identified on the birth certificate. You’ll want to be sure to fully understand the surrogacy laws in your state before embarking on this journey to parenthood. Simple Surrogacy will help you navigate through all of this.
In deciding whose sperm to use, communication is key. This is true between dads, with your surrogate, and with your doctors. No matter which decision is made, the ultimate goal is to become a family with a happy, healthy child and a safe pregnancy for your surrogate.