Bonding With Your Baby When Using a Surrogate


Surrogacy is a way for everyone to enjoy the beauty of parenthood. It’s a process that’s becoming increasingly common, especially among couples dealing with infertility and gay couples. In fact, it’s estimated that as many as 35,000 children may have been born with surrogates. If you are going through the process of using a surrogate or considering surrogacy as an option, you may have some concerns about being able to bond with your surrogate baby. While the process of bonding with a surrogate baby may be different, there are still plenty of ways to form a meaningful bond with a new baby born to a surrogate mother.

Be Involved with the Pregnancy

Working with a surrogate who understands you and your family, and who will involve you in the entire pregnancy is a great first start to bonding with your child that she is carrying. The truth is that most surrogates appreciate intended parents being involved with the surrogacy process as much as possible. Your involvement will help your surrogate to picture you and the baby she is carrying as a family. She will enjoy you going to doctor appointments and spending time with her while she carries your baby.

Communicate with the Baby

There’s research suggesting that babies listen and learn while in the womb. Be a part of this process by talking to your baby each time you meet with your surrogate. Throughout the surrogacy process, make an attempt to let your baby hear your voice as much as possible. This can be accomplished by simply talking or singing some of your favorite songs. Since it can be challenging to have as many in-person meetings as you would like to have, use technology to help the baby become accustomed to your voice. For example, send audio recordings of your voice for the surrogate to play. You can also have video chat sessions where you talk or sing to the baby.


Embrace the Power of Touch

After your surrogate has the baby, make an effort to have as much physical contact with your new baby as possible. This part of the bonding process can start immediately after birth. If possible, be present for the birth so the surrogate mother can gently hand the baby to you. It’s niormal and expected to allow the surrogate to have some time with the baby as they hand your child over to you. Doing so may actually help the baby feel more comfortable with you. When you get your new baby home, use a technique referred to as “kangaroo care” to physically bond with your baby. It’s a method that simply means holding the baby against you during common processes like feeding, burping, and bathing. Getting into the habit of pulling your little one close to you can also help your baby feel better when they get fussy or need some soothing to get to sleep. Being more hands-on and physical during the bonding process is something that can work well for both mothers and fathers.

Use a Transitional Item

Being a surrogate allows for many opportunities to play an active role in helping the baby bond with the intended parents. The surrogate can achieve this goal by taking some simple steps to prepare the baby for a new home environment. One way to do this is to establish familiarity with a certain item or routine. This might include playing some of your favorite music for the baby. You can then softly play the same music for them in your nursery when the baby comes into your home. The surrogate could also sleep with a teddy bear or stuffed animal that will go home with the baby after the birth. The scent of that stuffed animal may help you bond with your new baby.


How Does Surrogacy Work?

Now that some of your concerns about bonding with a surrogate baby have been addressed, you can feel more confident as you go through the process. If you’re wondering how surrogacy works, let us explain it for you. Basically, it’s an agreement between interned parents and a woman who will carry the baby for them. Average total costs for a surrogate journey can range from $115,000 to $150,000 although many factors will determine the cost of a surrogacy journey for you. Reputable surrogacy agencies can provide additional information on how to become a surrogate mother and what new parents can expect with the surrogacy process.

If you have concerns about not immediately bonding with your baby when you use a surrogate, take comfort in knowing that this is perfectly normal for any new parent. Studies suggest that 20 percent of new parents report having no real emotional attachment to their baby during the time after delivery occurs. Realize that an attachment with your baby will naturally form in time. Lastly, know that surrogate mothers are typically required to have previous experience with childbirth. Your surrogate may be able to offer additional advice on the how to effectively bond with your new little bundle of joy. In fact, most surrogates are more than happy to help make the transition as smooth as possible for everyone involved.

If you have more questions about the surrogacy process, whether as a potential surrogate or as intended parents, we’d be happy to discuss it further with you. Contact us online or give us a call at 1-866-41-SURRO for more information.

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